As everyone surely knows by now, ‘Top Lists’ are the most important thing one can spend their time reading because they rid oneself of the dread of deciding for themselves. However, you may ask ‘Well, there are many top lists. Which one is the best for me?’ And the answer is, this one. Disregard any other top lists, they only exist to control your mind and turn you into zombody that cannot think for themselves.
13. Portal 1 and 2
When Valve first introduced Portal into the Orange Box Collection, it was one of the most pleasant surprises in gaming history. A game that was even better than the long-awaited extra episodes of Half Life 2. A smart, engaging first-person puzzle game that makes you shoot portals everywhere in an attempt to escape some far-too-clean and clinical maze. The reward for completing the game being a very lovely song about cake that has captured the unaware hearts of many. Portal became loved so-much that Valves stinky, greedy little fingers had to make a sequel nobody expected or asked for. Instead of the first game that had little to no story or narrative other than trying to ‘escape’ and some vague, ambiguous notions about the companion cube, the second game had a fully integrated story and direction that took you into the deep, dark, twisted depths into Lambda Corporations questionable ethics and motivations. No Geeks are in these video games which saddens some people, but a geek is not necessary to make these 2 games great. One of the characters is voice acted by a massive googly-eyed geek however. I rate these games 15.
You play as a video gamer girl who wants to get to the top of the mountain and meets a lot of weird characters who all talk in bitwave. Jumping in a video game has never been so thrilling, beautiful and stressful. Accompanied by a score that only electrifies and fills you up with more gamer and excitement as it completely blends in with the momentum of these dashing pixels as you avoid wind, spikes, spikes, spikes, and monsters with spikes. There is an attempt at a somewhat allegorical tale about getting over the hurdle of depression and anxiety which can add a sweet and heart-warming tale. I rate this game 14.
You play as a medieval timetravelling psychopath that’s been squeezed into a rusty radiator for protection against evil. You begin shooting demons and all kinds of monsters and end doing exactly the same thing using a variety of creative weapon such as the Nail Gun. It is a creepy and macabre soup that has been lovingly salted and stirred by Nine Inch Nails’ soundtrack. I cannot imagine many people would enjoy playing this in 2019. By modern standards it’s clunky, slow, and the shooting of the guns hasn’t much UMPHH! to them, BUT.. it is still a fantastic experience to enjoy if you can ignore this. I rate this game a 14.
16. Doom 2
What can one say about the sequel to the game that started the tiny snowball at the peak of the mountain, for it turn into the avalanche we see today that is the vast and continuously expanding FPS genre. Throughout all the shit, mud, and vomit that is games such as Call of Duties and other various bland catastrophic piles of shit, Doom 2 still sits on its gleaming throne, unmatched, and unwavering in its steadfast presence. FPS games still linger within its shadow. I may be blinded by the kaleidoscopic viscera wearing Doom 2’s goggles of nostalgia. Never the less, nothing is so satisfying than turning the hordes of demons into bloody, pixelated pulp than in Doom 2 and its countless mods that offer another reason to play it once again. That punching throb of a Super Shotgun leaving your foes into giblets and chunks is something many modern shooters have failed to replicate even with all their repertoire of technological fancies. I rate this game 20.
17. Doom 2016
I didn’t believe it was possible, that a company under the gold-hoarding wing of Bethesda’s tight grip a team would so diligently pull off a fantastic attempt at re-invigorating Doom and for it to be loved in all of its glorious gore and gratuitous goop. I clap to these developers, and especially that thick, juicy, bloody t-bone steak slapped into your neckbeard-face of a soundtrack it has. It ramped up the pace, indeed, but they fell short on many a thing. The first being cutscenes.. get rid of them developers. The game starts off with a fanastic little tickle; you are the Doom Slayer, and you don’t wait around for some fuckin’ dopey NPC to deliver some shitty dialogue! Apart from you do in the ridiculous cutscenes. This game was almost perfect, but this pace-ruining dribble spoils the essence of what it means for a game to earn the title of Doom. I rate this game a 14.
Who are you? Who cares. Why are you doing it? Who cares. You’re some futuristic cyborg samurai that gets followed around by some nutter in a bunny mask that talks random shit to you. Then you hop into these bad-ass cream of the fucking crop boss battles all with their own strategies, techniques, and flavour. This high-octane battling is accompanied by a dropkick to your clinkers with what I can only call an electrogasmatic orchestra of bitwave splendor that courses through your veins in some neon-stroke frenzy. It’s stylish, it’s weird, it’s smooth as fuck boi. I rate this game a 16.
20. Duke Nukem 3D
You are American. The epitome of American. You bleed eagles and fake cheese. You have a blonde flat-top, and you say dumb shit like ‘I’ve got balls of steel’. You’re an utter douchebag. Never-the-less, it’s highly entertaining to roam the streets of L.A., Alien spaceships, and where-the-fuck-ever else you end up, exploding pig-cops, aliens and even prostitutes if you’re an angry virgin and don’t know why being nice doesn’t get you laid. Duke Nukem is an age-old ’90s hero that we can only look back on and cringe. Regardless, Duke Nukem 3D is a fantastic FPS that, if it were climbing amongst all the other FPS’ in Doom 2’s shadow, Doom 2 would have given it a glance in a moment of hesitation that it could possibly be de-throned. It never happened though, because Duke Nukem is a complete turd and did not age well at all. However, in this video game it is very fun to be an America. I rate this game a 15.
21. Papers, Please
Paper is boring. Like filing cabinets and other office utensils and utilities, they are very boring and made for boring people who smell boring. But this Video Game takes the ultimate risk and says ‘What if Paper was not boring?’ and they very well defeated the formidable challenge they set upon themselves and created a game about various paper that is very emotionally charged. The gameplay plunges you head first into a soup of morality, ethics, and humanity. Despite this, it still remains to be rather light-hearted and a fun experience at the foreground. But there it lingers in the shadow like that itch you try to ignore sometimes. What this game is ultimately telling you is that life is struggle, especially when it involves Socialism.
22. Binding of Isaac
Someone doesn’t like her child. Satan is aware of this and manipulates her into trying to kill him, so the child, desperate and cornered by a mass of stinking flab, jumps into the basement. Upon entering the deep darkness he encounters evil creatures but with the power of his tears he will vanquish them. All of creatures which whom are controlled by the Devil in order to strengthen the boys mind and body to vanquish his ultimate evil, his own Mother. Challenge and struggle is what creates progress my dear friends, this is the lesson this game will help you to understand. I rate this game a 17.
23. Wolfenstein: The New Order
Nazis are bad guys but it’s a good thing that you are an American who has a very thick jaw and is powerful in many ways. You play as the once Hot-Dog vendor, BJ Bunkertits as he becomes crippled at war but then gets better and kills Nazis. This game is very deep because sometimes BJ talks in a gravelly and hushed tone about things he’s thinking about. That’s how we know that this game is very deep and emotional and that he is too. To add to this deepness is the pure adrenaline-soaked nazi-slaying action that is the gameplay which is so much fun. Dual-wielding awesome German guns that a human could possibly not do, but an AmeriCAN. Blow up mechs and all sorts of mad shit that a human could possibly not do, but an AmeriCAN. It is a thrilling experience to be an AmeriCAN once again in this reboot of a reboot of a reboot that has been rebooted very well. I rate this game a 14.
24. Fallout 2
This game is what began the craze of post-apocalyptic wastelands as a setting for video games. There is a lot of people talking about things in it but also a lot of shooting of mutated bastards and villains that all want you dead. The talking isn’t boring either because it has been written with care and attention which is barely seen in our current times, so believe it or not this is an actual game where you will enjoy the reading. Explore a land that is ripe with flavor and content and eeriness. You can become addicted to drugs or be a cannibal if you so choose. This is a timeless classic that will forever be remembered, for it was made during the Golden Age of video games when Creativity, Innovation and Passion were at the forefront of the game developers minds. Because of this void in the heart of the video game industry, independant developers have risen to the call by the wailing cries of hardcore gamers for content that is offered by old gems such as Fallout 2. I rate this game a 16.
25. Star Wars: KOTOR 1 and 2
I don’t like Star Wars. To me, it is very poo. However this video game is so fantastic that after completing both I watched the entirety of the Star Wars films in a day. It was an exhausting experience and at the end I came to the conclusion that Star Wars is still poo but these games here are amazing, engaging, and worth anyones time. You WILL enjoy these. If you do not then you are probably a fan of Star Trek that refuses to admit this to themselves. The intriguing, fantastical and magical world of Star Wars is brought to life in these games. It is a shame that the idiots who made the films could not achieve this goal. Maybe they should play these games to help them understand that they are sitting on something beautiful but they need to realize how to use it. This reminds me of a time when I owned an extremely comfy bidet, but I didn’t understand it at all; instead of using it for its actual purpose (which would bring me joy and elation) I urinated into it and felt somewhat empty. I rate these games a 15.
This is part of a special series in which Taiylz imparts his dubious wisdom on the Top 100 games of all time. Somehow he managed to miss #18 so that’ll turn up at a later date. You can catch him streaming some of these games over at Twitch.